something funny
but not really
something funny, i say out loud, to myself, while walking into the bathroom, quickly passing by the mirror, somehow self-conscious about having used my voice in the presence of no one, as if not looking into my own eyes would make it less of a fact that i did just talk to myself.
something funny, i think this time. i had just finished reading an amusing story that i’d found through linkedin, as i was applying for a job and discovered the hiring manager’s substack. she’s funny, i like her writing, i’m inclined to subscribe, but i don’t. my email—carrying my coverletter, resume, and portfolio—has freshly landed in her inbox. she’s about to see my name at least five times. i’ll wait until we meet and build enough rapport, or until i get a rejection and my name will eventually be new to her again.
something funny, i keep repeating in my head as if that would help me come up with something funny to write about, because—i forgot to mention—that is what i’m inspired to do right now. i recently tried to write some fiction, mainly because i’m honestly bored of myself, and i want to keep exploring different themes and styles i’m not yet used to. therefore, something funny.
on my way out of the bathroom and back to my dinner table-turned-work station, i see an orange haribo gummy bear on the floor. not much thought could interfere until it was suddenly in my mouth. was that funny? no, i decide. i’m embarrassed, even in the absence of everyone.
sitting down and facing my laptop again, i enjoy the juice that the cold, hard one-day-old gummy bear concealed inside itself. i’m at home, alone, i can do whatever i want. but unfortunately, i have this bad habit of exposing the things i’m insecure about or embarrassed by almost compulsively. which led to the current moment.
something funny, is what i have yet to come up with. i just opened a new tab to search the definition of funny, thinking that that could help animate my awfully quiet brainstorm. to my surprise (though it shouldn’t have been) my camera turned on and took a picture of me. i recently added this google chrome extension, called glance back, which takes one unprompted photo of you everyday to capture “the moments shared between you and your computer”, accompanied with a caption describing your current thought. the idea behind it is to let go of your vanity and appreciate the candid and “ugly” expressions you subject your screen to. it’s a really cute idea; i genuinely like it. however, foolish of me to fall for an advertisement by a girl whose “ugly” is very different from mine.
definitions are funny that way. not in the “causing laughter or amusement; humorous” funny. but more in a “difficult to explain or understand; strange or odd” funny, as google’s second definition suggests. everything means something else to everyone. my funny may not be funny to anyone anyway. so maybe that’s where i have to leave my attempt for now—at odd funny instead of humorous funny.
